Mediating a divorce with a high conflict personality (HCP) is challenging and usually takes much longer. However, it can often be successful if you recognize when you are dealing with one. They have certain characteristics. And there are approaches for dealing with them that have a better likelihood of success. As with any mediation, though, there may be times when you appear to be stuck. What to do with impasses with high conflict personalities?
Working Through Impasses with High Conflict Personailties
Here are some tips for mediating through these impasses, drawn largely from books and lectures by Bill Eddy. They can also be used in mediations not involving HCPs.
1. Help the parties develop bridge proposals that will connect what each person has said is important to them in their individual proposals.
2. Suggest several alternative possible solutions, perhaps drawing upon what other couples have done. Avoid giving them just one possible solution, in part because the HCP will blame you for it if there are any troubles down the road.
3. Make sure they understand the legal realities. Reality testing is often key for HCPs. Without it they tend to have an overinflated idea of how they would fare in front of a judge.
4. If the HCP remains fixated on a particular solution, ask them to think of two proposals for the unresolved problem. The idea is to try to get them to loosen their grip on their pet solution.
5. Engage the parties in a discussion of what they will do next if they cannot come to agreement. This may include who is going to make the decision for them. In other words, turn the impasse into a problem solving discussion about the future. Sometimes this results in them trying harder to resolve the impasse themselves.
6. Take a break, perhaps for a week or more. This can be especially appropriate if the parties are having a hard time remaining calm.
7. Suggest that they each write down their “outer limits” (bottom lines) for negotiating a settlement and have them give them (confidentially) to you. Then you can see how far apart they are and the likelihood of reaching a settlement.
